May 1, 2007 was my first blog entry. It's hard to believe it's been 2 years. It's even harder to believe that it's been 5 years since I went to my first in-depth Bible study, Beth Moore's Believing God, after being agoraphobic for 2 years. It was during that study that God began drawing me close to Him and helping me to realize He was not angry with me. That as much as I wanted Him to help me, He wanted to help me even more. It was His Word that finally got through to my mind and my heart. Even though I had doubts and questions, even though I didn't always feel the truth He was telling me, I kept at it. Then one day, I believed what His Word said was true, and I began speaking it out loud. At first reading in whispers, then louder and with more confidence. My life began to change. I thought I'd post a journal entry from October 15, 2004.
I never want to forget how God took pity on me and picked me up from darkness and depression and fear and shined the Light of His Love on me. He saved me. He had compassion on me and forgave me my sins. He forgave me for going my own way and leaning on my own strength and knowledge. I had become self-reliant, yet I was afraid. Even though, as the world saw it, I was successful. Success can only come through following Jesus Christ. He is the Lord of my life now. My Redeemer. My Deliverer. Because of His love for me--because He paid the price for my sins--I was able to approach God and ask for forgiveness and healing. And God answered me. Me! He restored my soul and replaced the fear in it with His love. I will never forget the peace I felt when I first prayed and studied His Word. His Word is alive and it heals. Hallelujah! Our God reigns! And He loves us. Even me. How I wish I could write or speak well enough to express the wonderful work He has done in my life. I love Him so much! I want to walk every step with my Lord Jesus. Teach me, O Lord, how to do that. Don't let me go astray ever again. Keep me by Your side forever.
At the time I wrote this, I was walking in what seemed to me to be new territory. I was able to leave my home. I had gone the longest ever between panic attacks. I had hope. Even though I still experienced panic attacks and depression after I wrote this entry, my depression periods weren't as dark, didn't last as long, and my panic attacks came less often. But I still had a long road to walk. It wasn't until March 2005 that I had faith enough to pray Scripture during my panic attacks. God led me one day at a time. And He's still leading me that way. It makes it easier for me too, if I only take it one day at a time. Because sometimes even one day can be too much to handle. :)