Friday, August 27, 2010

Peace At Last

Well, I have finally settled down into a “new normal”. I realized yesterday that I had finally adjusted because while my husband and I were sitting on swings on the patio yesterday afternoon, I suddenly felt at peace. It was a peace I used to have before March 2010. I glanced up at the clouds and I silently thanked God.

Life adjustments are difficult for someone like me who doesn’t like change. How unrealistic is that? Life changes all the time. It began in March when my husband had to quit work and apply for disability. Having him with me 24 hours a day was definitely an adjustment. I love my man, but I was used to doing things without interruption. I had plans. I had a schedule. Needless to say, my plans and schedule changed. This adjustment was hard for my hubby, too--especially since he takes his responsibility as provider for the family very seriously. He began seeing a counselor in April and began taking Cymbalta in June and he is doing so much better. Thank you, Lord!

My new normal also consists of taking care of my parents. I am so grateful that I am healthy enough to care for my parents, but being on call 24 hours a day has been quite an adjustment. I struggled with feelings of being overwhelmed, with self-centeredness, and with self-pity. I thought I was done with having those millstones around my neck since having panic attacks, but nothing brings out the truth of the soul like stress, stress, and more stress. These past weeks this particular passage has been coming to the forefront of my mind (I also taped it to my kitchen cabinet door): “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”(Matt. 11:28-29)

I’ve read that passage many times because I’ve certainly been feeling weary and burdened; but the last time I read it, my eyes rested on the words “learn from me”. It takes awhile for Truth to settle in my mind. I’ve always been a slow thinker. I rarely have an “aha!” moment. So I meditated on what those words meant for a few days. Slowly, I realized that here was the answer to surviving life adjustments. While on earth, Jesus trusted in what His Father was doing, even when it looked like all was going terribly wrong. He humbled Himself and became a servant—the most obvious example was when He washed his disciples’ feet—and even submitted to the cross in obedience to God’s will. How could I do less for my family?

Once I realized that God was calling on me to give up my planned agenda of how my life should be and how I was going to serve Him, I confessed my sins of selfishness and self-centeredness, and asked Him to take back control of my heart and my life. And things began to get better. I learned once again what I had learned during panic attacks--I can trust Jesus with my life—with all that goes on in my life, and I must bend to His will. He is the Potter and I am the clay.

Yesterday, on the patio swing, I felt stronger than I have felt in a long time. I felt at peace. And I felt I had come full circle. It was a humbling experience. At last, I was back on track: no more struggling within or fears without. Once again, I had completely surrendered my life, and the fruit of that submission was peace and contentment. “Peace always accompanies His authority”. (Beth Moore) “For He Himself is our peace.” (Ephesians 2:14)

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.


Sheryl said...

It was good reading your blog today. My husband and I are in the midst of applying for disability for him. Thanks so much for your transparency. It helps to know others are going through similar circumstances.

God is faithful to see us through.


Joni said...

I'm sorry to hear about your husband. He will need your love and support like never before. God will help you. We asked Him for favor with the disability application and to help us adjust to our new way of living. God is faithful! :)