Update: August 6, 2012--Had to stop buspirone after a few days; could not tolerate the side effects; waited a week and then tried 1/4 tablet--still could not tolerate it. But I'm still seeking more of Jesus!
After a recent visit with my family doctor, it was decided I should try buspirone, which is an anti-anxiety medicine that you take regularly every day. Although I've stopped experiencing chest pains, there are still times when I feel breathless or that anxiety is building. I have been taking alprazolam as needed and praying my heart to God. But since I am still experiencing anxiety symptoms, my husband thought it best we try something else. I am medication-sensitive and cannot tolerate anti-depressants. Buspirone is in a different class of medicines than those or even sedatives like alprazolam. I know that God used poultices in the Bible to heal, so I am going to let the medicine do what it can do and let God do the deeper work in my mind and soul that only He can do.
Yesterday, I poured out my heart to Him, cried alot as I let Him see the real me--that self-centered me that I try hard to ignore or hide from God because I want so badly to be good--I repented of all the self-stuff that's built up over time, and I felt relieved as His Word reassured me of His love despite my sins. In Beth Moore's Bible study, When Godly People Do Ungodly Things, she wrote: "If the Bible is about anything at all, it is about God having mercy on the pitiful plight of men, forgiving their sins and restoring their lives. Christ never resisted the truly repentant. Have no confidence in your flesh. Just be real before Him." (page 108) Then she had us look up several verses. These verses especially brought comfort to me:
"The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1 (NIV Bible)
"For though the Lord is high, yet has He respect to the lowly [bringing them into fellowship with Him]; but the proud and haughty He knows and recognizes [only] at a distance. Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; You will stretch forth Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand will save me. The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, endure forever—forsake not the works of Your own hands." Psalm 138:6-8 (AMP Bible)
"You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross." Colossians 2:13-15 (NLT Bible) Notice the word "all". He forgave all our sins--past, present, future.
"If we say, “We have no sin,” we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say, “We don’t have any sin,” we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us." 1 John 1:8-10 (HCSB)
"For the sake of his great name the LORD will not reject his people." 1 Sam 12:22 (NIV Bible)
The following verses really ministered to my heart. Our assignment was to say the first out loud. I did--several times. And cried. This reassurance was so vital in the receiving of my forgiveness.
"The LORD was pleased to make you his own." 1 Sam 12:22 (NIV Bible) Knowing the real me, He was still pleased to make me his own.
"He reached down from heaven and took hold of me; He pulled me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy and from those who hated me, for they were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my distress, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out to a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me." Psalm 18:16-19 (HCSB) These verses reminded me of how He rescued me from the pit of major depression and panic attacks. They reminded me of how closely I walked with Him, depending on Him at all times to keep me safe. And that He did it because "He delighted in me". My God delights in me.
"Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom." Luke 12:32 (NKJV)
I am seeking to go back to the place of abiding in Christ moment-by-moment as I did during my season of severe anxiety and depression. I spent four hours in the Word yesterday interlaced with reflection and prayer and felt more alive and refreshed and more myself than I have in a long time. I believe that extended periods of time with God like that is necessary to living and abiding in Jesus. There are just too many other distractions out there that do not edify, encourage, or heal my soul and spirit the way Jesus can.
Yesterday, I renewed my commitment to knowing Him intimately and remaining in Him and letting His Word remain in me. I would like to encourage you to do the same. This is life to people like me who've suffered traumatic childhoods, experienced rejection, and who, over recent years, have been burned-out, stressed-out, worn-out.
"Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." Matt. 11:28-30 (The Message Bible)
Renewal comes from the Author of Life. The Light of the World. Our Redeemer. The Savior and Restorer of our souls.
"The Lord is my shepherd;I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul;" Psalm 23:1-3 (NKJV)