Remembering

It just occurred to me afresh this afternoon that I survived panic. May I never forget that fact because being diagnosed with panic disorder turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Although I prayed for 2 years to be free of panic, I will always be grateful for God allowing me to go through it. Because of panic, I began desperately seeking God with my whole heart, and I found Him. Hallelujah! I didn’t find religion, I didn’t find tradition—I found Him! Wonderful! Counselor! The Mighty God! The Everlasting Father! The Prince of Peace! Through prayer and indepth Bible study, He allowed me to grasp some understanding of His Person. He allowed me to sense His Presence in my life. By meditating on verses that spoke to my heart, I began feeding my spirit “good” food instead of the refuse I normally dined on—the world-view of life and how I couldn’t do enough, or be enough, or please enough people.

I will never forget the first time I was looking out the window and singing a song of praise to God when I realized I was smiling—after coming out of the depths of depression, I was actually smiling. I will never forget the days I spent in a state of joy—which was unheard of for me. My dominant personality trait is melancholy. When my husband first dated me he asked me several times why I didn’t smile more. I hadn’t a clue. Now I know it was because all day and all night I obsessed over every mistake I ever made or over every wrong that had been done to me. I relived my past over and over from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed. If I wasn’t thinking about what I should’ve or shouldn’t of done, I was thinking about what I needed to do. If I wasn’t worried about myself, I was worried about someone close to me.

How marvelous, how wonderful to finally be able to hand all my problems and concerns over to my Father in heaven. To focus my inner self on my God and my Saviour. To think about good things for a change. Things like love and forgiveness and heaven and power for living and the beauty and majesty of God’s Word.

And the blessings from being in God’s Word and in prayer! The peace that I’d heard so much about all my Christian life, but had never personally experienced. The unconditional love. The companionship of Jesus. Jesus in me. (Me! The screw-up. The scaredy-cat. The klutz. The prude.) It is still amazing to me—more than that, it’s mind-blowing--that the God of wonders, the compassionate and loving God who created the heavens above and the earth below, the eternal Father, the Savior of the world would want to take the time to reassure me. To erase my deepest insecurities with His love.

God knows our hearts. He knows the sorrows that are there. He knows the abuses and heartaches we’ve experienced. I had invited Him to come into my heart—to heal my hurts—to fill all the empty places. And He came. He came and He took over. He directs me through His Word, through His godly impressions on my heart and mind, through my circumstances, and through other people. I’ve learned that my ability to perceive His direction and presence is directly affected by my obedience to His Word. I must love God with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul, and all my strength, and I must love my neighbor as myself. I must keep my daily quiet time with Him. I must keep seeking His face and His perfect will for my life. That means putting down my own agenda, killing the selfish, fleshly desires in me and following Him daily. It isn’t easy. I still have the same human tendancies I had before to wander—to go my own way and do my own thing. To believe that I know what is best. However, looking back over my depression and panic days, there is no doubt in my mind that the rewards of staying in God’s perfect will for my life far outweigh any sacrifices I have to make. I am a panic survivor, and my Rock, my Champion is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.” 2 Peter 3:1

Intimacy with God

Job 42:5 "My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you."

You can have faith in God and still not have an intimate knowledge of Him. That was me for many, many years. When I finally surrendered my life--panic attacks and all--to Jesus, and then began experiencing some real peace as I studied His Word, I wanted to get to know Him more. That's when I began seeking how to get closer. Beth Moore had said in the Breaking Free Bible study that during quiet time, after reading the selected passage a few times, we should pray that passage back to God. I began experiencing a wonderful closeness when I did that. Also, I began stopping in the middle of my day to just kneel or sit and wait quietly, just in case He had something He wanted to reveal to me. It was during those moments that I began sensing His Presence. And it was during those moments He gently brought up things that I needed to face and deal with--according to His Word. I truly felt like His child, and my love and desire to be with Him grew stronger.

I've often thanked God for those times--times when I was too weak to have a full schedule and needed breaks, so that I could experience Him in a way I never had before. Because I'm healthier I'm able to do more around my home, at my parents', and at church--which is as it should be...but I get busy and don't remember to take a break. I pretty much have a one-track mind. I'm praying this year that God will remind me to stop and to sit and center all my attention on Him--even if it's only 5 minutes every few hours--so my intimate knowledge of Him will grow stronger. I need that. I miss that. It's how I know that I know that He is God and that I belong to Him.

Stepping Into Sunshine

Sunday morning was the first time since I broke out with shingles that I was able to attend Sunday School and church. I received such a warm welcome, it was like stepping into sunshine. How I love to see my friends in the Lord--to have a place where I can talk about problems and concerns with friends who uplift, encourage, and support me with their love and hope and belief in Christ. I couldn't believe it'd been a month and a half since I'd attended. When I opened my mouth in the choir loft to sing God's praises, I couldn't stop the smile from spreading across my face. I was suddenly filled with such joy--I can't describe it. I recalled two of my favorite verses: "The Lord set my feet upon a Rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God."

I'm still here! I'm still standing on a firm place--my Rock. The past several months have brought pain, mental anguish, and anxiety, but I'm still still clinging to my God and watching Him work all things out for my good--and the good of my family.

"Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and all that is within me bless His Holy Name. Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and forget not all His benefits; Who forgives all your sins, Who heals all your diseases; Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion;Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles!!!!!!!! (Ps. 103)